The Midnight News
Man i used to read your columns all the time, but they suck now. I scrolled past all those "jokes" about why Randy Orton was suspended, past the long fictional bullshit, past the bragging about how you brought your websites hits up, past the book review thing, past the not ever funny Impact mop up, and you'll be back in 2 or 3 weeks. Try who cares. what a has been.
Mike & Nicole
It took two people to write that letter...
Hello wildcats, I'm Chris and this the Midnight News. I enjoyed a nice, two week vacation but now I am recharged, refreshed, and ready to go! YEAH!
I had an interesting two weeks, highlighted by a weekend where kids at the Pro Wrestling Torch board accused me of being the same Trish Stratus imposter who I always talk about here and YOU, yeah, YOU, might have seen online from time to time...
It's a story... a long, LOOOONG story which I'll tell one day... and you'll be amazed by it. Oh it'll be a column. Oh sure. It'll be a killer column, yes it will.
Man... you wouldn't BELIEVE the shit I'm up to. That's all I'm saying.
Anyways.... we got PPV recaps... no I don't, some other stuff, and MORE... well... an AIM confrontation. You will see PROOF that I did absolutely NOTHING towards the content of this column over the last two weeks... not a damn thing!
Okay... miss me? Let's roll....
LASH BACK!
Didn't watch it.
Stratus really dislocated up her shoulder... but she always gets hurt around this time of year. I think she just likes to take her summers off.
Ironically, I dislocated my penis while rubbing a nice one off to her Wonder Woman photo spreads. (I can see why people think I'm acting like her)
What else... umm... Flair put the living HELL over Umanga... the phrase "poor bastard" can be applied to either man in this case.
Umm.... Kane's movie is going head to head against a huge movie based on one of the most popular best sellers of all time starring one of the most successful box office movie stars of all time.... so I kind of forgive them for turning the Kane/Big Show match into a virtual living advertisement for "May 19".
Umm.... RVD seems to be breaking that glass ceiling everyone says he was held under.
Errr.... Eugene picked his nose because someone feels its high time Matt Striker gets pushed.
Hmmm.... Candice Michelle had an orgasm on the hand of Vince McMahon.
I'm missing anything? Oh, and everyone who was ever involved with DX bled very heavily.
That's all I got. It's a single brand show... which means its about as important as those "In Your House" shows from last decade.
I'll watch the show in two months on WWE 24/7.
APRIL FLOWERS
Can't pass this one up...
As you Indy faithful are WELL aware of, the love affair for the ages: April Hunter and "Slyk" Wagner Brown ended poorly... with Slyk looking at some jail time and April running to the arms of a Canadian dude who seems to be shorter than she is. (Heh)
Well, recently, a freshly bailed out Slyk confronted April at their local gym. An argument erupted. Slyk was arrested and locked up. Hunter's Canadian boyfriend (white guy) was seen hiding behind the Eliptical machines while this happened.
Not much else is known about the story, but I investigated and interviewed those at the scene at the time. Apparently, there was plenty of yelling and a lot of screaming and not much else...
However, WHAT was said is worth reporting... the following things were overheard being yelled during this altercation:
"BOOGA SHOOGA, MUMBALOOGA"
"A WHITE GUY???? A FUCKING WHITE GUY???"
"I WANT MY FUCKIN' STEELY DAN CDS BACK, BITCH!"
"WHERE DID YOU HIDE MY WEED??"
"BITCH, YOU'RE GETTING FAT! I KEPT THAT ASS TEEEEIGHT!"
"WHO'S GONNA BOOK ME NOW??"
"ARE YOU PREGNANT?"
"THAT KNIFE TO YOUR THROAT THING WAS A JOKE, YA DIDN'T NEED TO CALL FIVE-O"
"BABY.... YOU MISS MY BLACK PIPE!"
"A CANADIAN? A FUCKING WHITE CANADIAN?"
"JUST GIMME $20"
"THAT PUSSY BELONGS TO ME AND I WANT IT BACK!!"
"WHY'D YOU THROW ME OUT? I WAS JUST ABOUT TO WIN THE WHOLE DAMN GTA!"
"SHUBUGGA BUGGA BOO BOOOO"
"OLD BITCH"
And so on... and so forth.
Meanwhile, April DOES look a TEENY bit... umm... knocked up. Doesn't she?
THE IRONY OF IRONIES
Check this out:
FACT: Kurt Angle is known to have a neck injury that's more severe then he lets on.
FACT: In the years that followed his neck problems, Kurt had grown aggressively larger.
FACT: Eddie Guerrero died with human growth enhancement in his system
FACT: In response, the WWE initiated the "Wellness Policy", introducing an ambitious drug testing program and outlined the drugs and growth enhancers that are considered illegal and will result in disciplinary action if one is caught with these drugs in their systems and show no decline after two more random follow-up tests
FACT: When Vince made this videotaped-for-WWE announcement, the first wrestler to pipe up and ask about pain killer meds was Kurt Angle.
FACT: Once the Wellness Policy was announced and began, wrestlers began shrinking.
FACT: One wrestler who shrank the most was Kurt Angle
FACT: Within a couple of weeks after Guerrero's demise, rumors had persisted that one wrestler in particular was on the edge of following suit due to his addiction to painkillers.
FACT: Coinciding with his shrinking, reports say that Kurt's neck has been bothering him again.
FACT: This past week in England, Angle had admitted to be in great pain.
FACT: Smackdown, largely depleted of stars, had no choice but to put Angle on the DL list. Word is it will be a long, long time before he is able to return.
RESULT: The Wellness Policy, which is there to save wrestlers (and save millions for the company in lawsuits and settlements) might very well have ended up killing Kurt Angle.
The irony of ironies... I'll have more on Kurt Angle later in the column...
In a related story, am I crazy or is Cena actually getting BIGGER these days?
HYATTE GETS PWNED
The following happened earlier yesterday.
Hobo Jordine (4:39:18 PM): CHRIS HYATTE, THE TIME HAS COME FOR YOU TO REPENT YOUR SINS
Hobo Jordine (4:39:43 PM): YOU ARE WHAT WE CALL IN THE LITERARY WORLD, A JACKASS
Hobo Jordine (4:40:33 PM): OOOOOH SCARY
Hobo Jordine (4:41:00 PM): WHAT IS THE MATTER, ARE YOU BUSY TAKING A SQUEEGE
Hobo Jordine (4:41:32 PM): SQUEEGE RELATED MATTERS WILL BE OF LITTLE INTEREST TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE RIDING THE PINES CHRIS HYATTE
Hobo Jordine (4:42:01 PM): HELLO, IS THIS THING ON
Hobo Jordine (4:42:10 PM): KEEP TALKING
Hobo Jordine (4:42:54 PM): HAS THERE EVER BEEN A TIME IN YOUR LIFE CHRIS HYATTE, WHERE YOU LOOKED IN THE MIRROR
Hobo Jordine (4:43:04 PM): AND THE MAN YOU WERE LOOKING AT, SEEMED LIKE A STRANGER
Hobo Jordine (4:43:07 PM): BECAUSE IF SO
Hyatte1com (4:43:11 PM): Dude
Hobo Jordine (4:43:12 PM): THAT DAY WAS PROBABLY HALLOWEEN
Hyatte1com (4:43:17 PM): I'm up to something
Hyatte1com (4:43:21 PM): leave me alone
Then I blocked him.
That Halloween punchline WAS pretty funny though.... and if he ever learns how to release the CAP LOCK BUTTON, I might entertain him next time around
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*Europe is the only continent without a desert.*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. The net is jammed packed with it, non-stop.
But here at DOI, youngsters with a gleam in their eye and a PASSION for landing on their heads and laying pipe on every rat they can get their hands always come here for the latest news and gossip. It is these young rasslers who need to know. Triple H isn't to be hated. Triple H is to be WORSHIPPED. And here is one of the many, MANY reasons why...
Triple H Is Better Than You Because...
He's going to eventually be your new ECW champion and you WILL pop for it!
THIS HAS BEEN "TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING TRIPLE H, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
TNA IMPACT MOP-UP
Next week, I promise... instead, I'll give you this...
KURT ANGLE SUCKS… YES, KURT ANGLE SUCKS AND HERE’S WHY
On the heels of his recent injury....
Kurt Angle, maybe the best thing to happen to the WWE in the last few years years, once gave an interview with the Montreal Gazette and he laid down the list of his injuries: past, present, and what’s just waiting to happen again:
-Broken neck, surgically repaired.
-Six knee operations, three per joint.
-Dislocated shoulder.
-Four concussions, maybe more.
-A hamstring that peeled off a tendon and rolled up his leg, still being rehabilitated.
-Ankle ligaments shredded.
-Deafness in his left ear, which was drained of fluid probably 80 times before he gave up
He said that the fans expect things out of the wrestlers that are borderline impossible to do nightly, but he tried his hardest to do them anyway.
He saisd that his contract ends IN FOUR YEARS, and even though he’ll do EVERYTHING HE CAN to go the distance… he admits to working essentially on a week to week basis.
Basically, he admits that he’s about to fall apart before our very eyes, and isn’t confident that he’ll be able to piece himself back together. He’s on borrowed time, people… he shouldn’t even be wrestling anymore, much less doing his damndest to give something special… something EXTRA to the fans… for YOU.
And how do some people reward him for this? Well, let’s go to a certain message board, widely known on the net as THE board for wrestling purists… certainly THEY would shower Angle with the praise and respect he’s damn well EARNED, right?
Yeah… okay…
1) Angle is the most overrated wrestler in the world today. He can't sell properly, and is constantly doing silly things in the ring. He's a very spotty worker, who I wouldn't put anywhere near the level of Benoit.
Edit: To clarify, I wouldn't say he's actively bad or anything, but I certainly don't see him as a super-elite worker, or an all time great. He's obviously talented physically, but he often forgets to use his brain (forgetting which leg he was working on, ignoring work done to him to pull off a big move, etc...). He, like all WWE wrestlers, is restricted by the god awful WWE style, but that can't be blamed for all his faults.
2) I shudder to think at how good Kurt Angle would be right now if he had a chance to go to Japan during his developmental days. Kurt himself lamented over this on WWE's Byte This a year or so ago saying that Benoit and Malenko always talk about their work in Japan and how great it was and how someone like Angle could really get over and work a great match there. Angle also mentioned how much he liked working Taka in dark matches before his debut.
3) As it stands, Kurt Angle is a very good wrestler who is still learning, and, through his constant pairing with Benoit, could very well reach the upper-echelons as a worker. Angle's flaws, such as shitty punches and silly selling, stand out only, I think, because of how good he is otherwise. He can take it to the mat, hit high-impact moves at the precise moments when it can either pop a crowd or infuse some drama, and he has credible and effective finishers.
4) Kurt is also very willing to learn (ie. his constant desire to work Benoit, his avid tapewatching, and his willingness to ask people as to how he can improve). He wants to get in the ring with the best and perform to the highest level possible. I can't fault that (even if he is pretty cocky).
5) Angle can't match Flair, Benoit, or Bret yet, but the day may yet come where his name can be mentioned in the same breath and be credible.
He just hasn't fully mastered the art of putting together a logical, well-paced, well-built match, without resorting to every single spot he knows and running around all over the place and ignoring his opponent's offense in the process. In some of his best matches, you see guys like Austin and Benoit clearly outperform him and I don't think that's any coincidence. But I do think he is entertaining to watch, but I just don't get how a guy like Meltzer tries to sell him as the wrestler that someone like Flair was, when he's just not as smart or deep a worker. Likewise for Austin, Bret, Benoit, Eddy, etc. He's just a good wrestler, with crisp offense and fine timing when the match doesn't run too long, and I'd rather people leave it at that rather than try to put Flair's robe on him. His match with Cena was very impressive though, so hopefully he can still grow as a wrestler.
On the mic, he's questionable. He's just either bland or not that funny as a face. As a heel, he has limitations as well, and I have doubts that he can consistently cut a really good, serious promo to actually SELL me on a wrestling match. He isn't very versatile on the stick, basically.
6) I think he'll be one of those guys to keep business steady, but I don't think Angle will ever be a BIG draw like Austin, Rock, or Foley. I just can't see him in a heated, money-making feud, in part because he's been booked like a clown most of his WWE career, and Kurt doesn't seem to mind. With Austin and Rock, their characters alone made them immune to anything, same for Foley to a degree, though he was more relatable, and you more laughed WITH him than AT him. Angle's good enough in the ring, but with the way he's booked, plus his lack of depth in character and mic work, I can't see him being the guy to bring the company back to glory, as Bret Hart believes.
His repertoire of moves is awful, just constant punching and suplexes and I find myself getting bored of his matches very quickly. This is probably an exaggeration but it feels like his only transitional move to offence is a German Suplex.
7) I get scared when I see Angle being compared to Misawa and Flair...
There was a lot more… I don't want to give credence by even plugging the place. It's a message board, they're all the same....
You know… you…
At least I’m fucking up front… I don’t get the same thrill for the business as I once did, but I’ll always respect the WORKER… the one who’s worked harder in one week than ANY writer has in his LIFE…
But when I see shit like this… I’m reminded why I lost the thrill… it was taken from me… from looking at shit like this.
These… pieces of… worthless…
Kurt, retire today. Go home. Call it quits. You don’t deserve these asshole fuckface fans. You deserve better.
Unappreciative... the dude is killing himself for you.
Misawa... fuck Misawa.
Anyway... speaking of death and killing oneself... let's take things home on a considerably more cheerful note!!
I'D KILL FOR FREE FOOD
With many of our favorite rasslin' stars, both Indy AND professional, either going or about to go to jail, I thought it would be a decent public service announcement to let you in on what to expect...
See, the nice thing about the United States Penal System is that no matter how bad you fuck up, no matter how EVIL you are, no matter how guilty you are... if they sentence you to death, they will let you eat a decent last meal.
Here are what some inmates ordered for their final meal before Texas made them ride ol' sparky. I WAS going to point out what they did to earn a painful death, but it turns out, they were all murderers. And a few armed robbers.
Prisoner #999082... Tony Walker killed 09/10/2002: French fries, five pieces of fried chicken, and three Dr. Peppers (THREE DR. PEPPERS??? Clearly, Tony planned on giving the guards some MAJOR mopping up after he rode the lightening.... or maybe he hoped to short out the electricity?)
Prisoner #759... Eliseo Moreno killed 03/04/1987: Four cheese enchiladas, two fish patties, french fries, milk catsup and lemon pie (Milk Catsup? Ugh... those nutty sociopaths are so GROSS)
Prisoner #916 ... Richard Beavers killed 04/04/1994: Six pieces of french toast with syrup, jelly, butter, six barbecued spare ribs, six pieces of well burned bacon, four scrambled eggs, five well cooked sausage patties, french fries with catsup, three slices of cheese, two pieces of yellow cake with chocolate fudge icing, and four cartons of milk (Now THAT'S how you do it... chow down, big daddy
Prisoner #999178... Toronto Patterson killed 08/28/2002: Six pieces of crispy fried chicken, four jalepeno peppers, four buttered buttermilk biscuits, chef salad (with bacon bits, black olives, ham, and Italian dressing), six Sprites, and white cake with white icing (I just love the name. I plan on naming my child--male or female-- "Toronto"... Toronto Hyatte-Stratus! Yeah! That's right, I'm taking HER name... you would too, loser!)
Prisoner #667... Ramon Hernandez killed 01/30/1987: Beef tacos, beef enchiladas, jalapeno peppers, salad onion, hot sauce, shredded cheese and coffee. (Now, Ramon here knew the score. If he was NOT going to die, he would've been in for one HELL of a fiery bowel movement off this crap)
Prisoner #714... Jeffery Barney killed 04/16/1986: Two boxes of frosted flakes and a pint of milk (looks like Jeffery was hoping to relive some happier, more innocent times... alas, I doubt Tony the Tiger gave the poor bastard much hope... damn Tiger)
Prisoner #804... Ruben Cantu killed 08/24/1993: Barbecue chicken, refried beans, brown rice, sweet tea and bubble gum (bubble gum is not permitted under TDCJ regulations) (You ever try to wipe after swallowing gum? Once I ate an entire packet of Big League Chew and spent a two friggin' hours on the can wiping at the mush... trust me, the guards weren't gonna put up with THAT shit ((bet'cha cherry ASS that pun was intended)))
Prisoner #678... Chester Wicker killed 08/26/1986: Lettuce and tomatoes (Because impending death is NOT and excuse to let your figure GO!!)
Prisoner #822... Robert Madden killed 05/28/1997: Asked that final meal be provided to a homeless person (a Madden that actually TURNS DOWN a meal? No shit?)
Just remember... if YOU have to go... and have a choice, go for the gas... clear the lungs, bend down, let the room fill up, take a deep breathe and BOOYA... you're offering St. Peter the best prison blowjob you have in you for a ticket into the gates.
All this talk about death makes me... wishful. Those lucky bastards.
Next week I'll do better. I always need a week to get my groove back.
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This is Hyatte
Glorydog@cox.net